Supine, Vulnerable, Disinfected

So in the previous post I described Electromagnetic Therapy (ECT) and my compulsory rotation in this treatment modality.

However, I could not understand why thinking about this rotation would create such anxiety, as well as involuntary puckering of all orifices of my body.

Today I may be able to write a coherent explanation. Here is a fictional narrative of how someone who thinks like I do would respond to the option of ECT:

"Imagine you are a person who is severely depressed and anxious. You are locked up in a psychiatric facility.

It greatly bothers you that you are locked up in a facility, but you understand that this is to help keep you safe.

You feel worse than any healthy person could imagine- your wretched soul is tormented by feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness. Your life is a living nightmare.

You just wanted it to end. You had tried to end it at home- that's why you're here.

You've lost so much in your life, the only thing you've really got left is your mind. You're a smart person, and you rely on your mind to help you out of tough situations like this.

They can lock up your body, but they can't take away your mind.

Now the doctor suggests a new treatment. But it involves putting you to sleep? A side effect of likely memory loss?

Your consciousness and your memories are the only things you've got left!"

This is why ECT terrifies me so- It takes away that last bit of control from the patient. It leaves them supine, vulnerable and disinfected.

I imagine myself that way- supine, vulnerable, disinfected- and I am horror stricken.