Spankings: A Valid Patient Control Technique?

I had the opportunity to observe a cardiac procedure a few weeks ago. The patient was scrubbed and draped, gloves were donned and a call came down from the floor.

A nurse wanted to speak to the cardiologist about one of his recovering patients.

Known for his brusque manner, the surgeon punched the "speaker" button on the phone with his elbow and barked "What!"

"Your patient in 456-B is saying he's gonna walk out," said the nurse evenly.

Dr. Arrogance retorted in a loud, demanding tone, "Tell him if he does, I'm calling the Police!"

The Police? What, are they gonna arrest the patient and charge him with Not Following Doctor's Orders? Last time I checked, we were running an institution of treatment, not incarceration.

"I'll do what I can," said the nurse on the other end, with a hint of exasperation in her voice.

Now, I've got an idea that will avoid the messiness of calling police every time a patient leaves the hospital against medical advice: Spanking.

Get wooden paddle boards like the ones in Catholic schools and put one in every patient room. Make it required equipment, like suction and oxygen.

Then, every time a patient looks at the door, or talks about how they long to go home, pick up the paddle board.

I'm sure that just the visual threat will deter most folks from ever crossing our power again. 100% compliance guaranteed.

Of course, there will be those few who will take those paddlings the wrong way, if you know what I mean. These pervs just might just like being spanked. I'm sure we'll find a way to deal with them.